Trials of a single mum

Josh has just poohed in the bath!!!!
Fantastic!!!!
He was adamant that he didn't need to go before he had his bath, and then, whammo!
He has been very helpful by throwing fistfuls of poo out of the bath onto the bathroom floor - my bathroom looks like a German battleground.
And now I'm going to miss Coronation Street.

On the subject of complaints........
Why hasn't Mark called me this weekend?
I last spoke to him on Wednesday when I called him and I refuse to call him again, he can call me dammit!
I miss our conversations!

Life is just rubbish!

I am an adult and take full responsibility for my actions, now matter how immature they may be. No matter how foolish or infuriating they may be, consequences come and get me!!! I'm here, at your disposal!

I'm such a fool!
I never learn from my mistakes - what on earth is wrong with me?

Mike went out with his woman on Friday night - good for him! He has now introduced him to all of his friends - I add, my former friends who have now pledged allegiance to him. (It's great when your marriage breaks down and your friends all pick sides, funny how the men stick with the man and the women with the woman - hey ho.)
So good for them!
I'm glad she has got girlfriend status now.

Knowing this, I felt a bit sorry for myself yesterday.

Mike came round last night with a bottle of wine, we drank and got a bit merry, sitting on the sofa watching rubbish TV - all of a sardine!!!!! Completely out of the blue.........
"How about giving me a whipping!"
Hell No! Hell No! What the Hell?
I must say that I refused point blank!
We drank a bit more, I ignored him to the best of my abilites.........
"Wont you put your catsuit on for me with your new boots?"
"No!"
"Please?"
"No!"
"I've been looking forward to it all week"
"No!(An octave higher)
"Why not?"
"Because you have a girlfriend now."
"And so?"
"It's not right."
"But we're still married..."
(I swear he said that - can you believe it?)

In the end it was much easier to submit than carry on arguing, so yes, I ended up having to whip him - what the hell is wrong with me?
He insisted on filming which was quite fun, I'm tempted to blackmail him with the footage - how horrid!
Not really.
I hope he leaves me alone for a while now - please just leave me alone.
I'm sure he realises that I can't say no to him.
Why can't I say no to him? What's wrong with me?
I hate that bloody catsuit!!!!!
I wouldn't mind so much it's just that it makes you sweat so!

I must go and bath Josh, he has just been dropped off by Grandma.
Right!
Sleeves up!
Gloves on!
Here goes - I hate bathtime!!!!

I'm wondering what I'm going to do for blog titles once this week is over and I'm back to Tuesday when I started, I'm going to have to be a bit more inventive.

Well I'm sitting at home, alone again on a Friday night whilst Mike is most probably out enjoying himself with his new woman - why should that bother me? It doesn't even concern me! I think it bothers me more that he has a life and I don't. That is just so childish and selfish.
I'm trying to lose myself in a bottle of wine, half way there and I still don't feel any different. I wish I had some gin left, probably best that I don't. I wonder if I'm close to turning into an alcoholic - hmmm. Doubt it, mind you, one is entitled to their vices - and I don't smoke! The odd glass of wine here and there isn't going to hurt - so there!

I feel as though I'm spiralling down into a pit of self-despair, I've felt really down today, goodness knows why, I haven't forgotten to take my anti-depressants and nothing has changed in the last few days, who knows.
That is another criticism I have, this medication is making me lose my sex drive, not that I need a sex drive for my lifestyle - but dammit I want one!!!!
I bought a vibrator several months ago and I've only used it about twice, once was with Mark. What on earth is happening to me?
And I think I'm putting on weight, which is rubbish! I've been lucky enough to eat what I like for the last ten years of my life and now I think it's catching up with me, I'm going to have to cut down on the fudge.

Good Grief!
Rah rah rah rah!
I think I might delete this once I'm done.

Another thing, the lad next door was hunting in the bushes at the end of my garden this morning and came accross my wedding ring that I had thrown in there last year, he came to the door to ask if it was mine.
I said no.
And then instantly regretted it.
I wish I had it, just to hold it in my hand and perhaps put in on my finger for a few minutes.

Oh it hurts, this is all Mike's fault!
Why do I love him so?
If I felt less for him he wouldn't have the ability to hurt me as much as he does.
I wish I could hate him, even more, I wish I felt apathy.
You can't feel hate without having felt love before, for hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is.

Maybe I am getting drunk........
This is why I'm single!

I'm feeling slightly worse for wear this morning, self-inflicted so no sympathy!!!
Mike was kind enough to look after Josh last night so I could go out with a few of the girls - crazy Wednesday!
For some reason 4 glasses of wine do enough to make me just a bit tipsy in the evening and wake up feeling steam-rolled in the morning, I look and feel like death!!!!

What is it with music these days?
No longer can you sing along to a catchy tune, you've got hollaback girls and men wishing their girlfriends looked like prostitutes, I'm not sure who Timbaland is but all I know is that I want him dead!
On the topic of music, I've just rediscovered the sublime musical genius that is the Dandy Warhols, are they not the supreme gods of indie?
I'm starting to wish that one of my friends would become a herion addict just so that Not the Last Junkie on Earth could be relevant to me.
Either that or I want to marry Courtney Taylor-Taylor.

And now it is raining - typical, I've just done two loads of washing........

I think I may have inadvertently invited everyone to my house for a Mexican themed party on Saturday night - why on earth did is sound like a good idea at the time? I'm sure Josh would appreciate it! Such an eejit, I hope everyone was just as tipsy as me and have since forgotten about it.

Hmmmm.......

You know your day is going to be torrid when you wake up to the calls of "Mimi Mimi Mimi Mimi" repeatedly at 6 in the morning.
The first thought that runs through my mind when I wake up is "do I have enough time for a quick shower before Josh wakes up?" usually the answer is a resounding NO!
So no shower for me and no going back to sleep for Josh - bugger!
And on top of that I am sporting a huuuge spot on my chin.
So it's all rubbish! I can't be bothered with makeup today nor contacts, there isn't much point looking glamorous when you don't have anyone to look glamorous for.

Anyway.
First thing this morning I get a parcel, I immediately assumed that it was the cushion I had bought off of ebay but no........... it's a pair of black dominatrix boots!!!!!
This is just going too far!
I sent Mike an email about them and he emailed me back saying that they'd go rather nicely with the black catsuit he had bought me.
I hasten to add that I threw that away a few days ago in a moment of self-empowerment.
And he is supposed to be seeing someone! Are all men the same?
I wonder if she's aware of his fetishes? I only found out once we had seperated. A whole 3 years of living with someone and not knowing them at all, it's as though he was a stranger.
But no!
I can't say that I find bondage even remotely arousing, each to their own, I'll try anything once, and then again just to make doubly sure that it isn't for me....
But no, certainly not bondage!
Balls to him!!! They're going to the same place as the catsuit - in the bin!!!!

It's been raining all morning so Josh and I have been stranded indoors.
Three cheers for cbeebies!
I know that an awful lot of research has been done about the evils of tv for young children, but if cbeebies didn't exist I'm sure quite a few parents would be in mental institutions by now, me included!

Josh had a hypo before lunch, a bit scary, so he's rather out of sorts now, I've put him to bed for a nap but I doubt he'll submit.
Maybe he will, I hope he does, I could do with a nap too.

Sarah has finally agreed to go speed dating with me after at least a years worth of nagging - hoorah!
We're going on the 29th of August in Leamington - can't wait. I can't buy the tickets until my rent cheque goes in on Friday, living on the edge!
But I think I need it, for self confidence and all that.

I was speaking to Mike last night and he was talking about the dynamics of relationships changing and things needing to re-negotiated and to be honest it all goes way over my head..........
............ but he said that I'd soon meet someone and they'd be moving in with me....
Has he lost the plot completely? I can't even fathom meeting someone who would be interested in me, that interested in fact that they'd tolerate my rather difficult 3 year old child and choose to put up with him every day, of their own free will!!!!
I wouldn't even choose to look after him every day out of my own free will!
I'm doomed!
I'm destined to grow old alone and have many many cats that will be found feasting on my body about 7 months after I've died!

At least speed dating will be fun.
In fact my friend Paul almost married someone whom he met speed dating.
She was a bit of a phsyco and he was extremely limp about it all.
Maybe I'll find me a phsyco to marry, anything would be better than having to spend another night alone waking up every hour to Josh's cries.

Mike and I have had a rather successful chat, I'm quite impressed with my ad-libbing skills. It started off as it usually does, with raised voices and him throwing insults at me but after an hour of it we came to an agreement of sorts. He's agreed that he spends too little time with Josh and that he ought to be more involved, I'm still going to see a solicitor I think though, just to know where I stand, the honeymoon period will soon fade.
And then............he asks if he can come round later for a bit of action - arrrrrrr!!!! There is no end to his beligerence!

Sarah has been great today, actually she has just been bored at work and has been sending me loads of empowering emails, although, being a solicitor she has been very pragmatic.
Sarah hates Mike!
The reason for this is that she had an on-off relationship with his younger brother for over two years. It ended really badly, she had a miscarriage and he got married five months later after a whirlwind relationship and engagement to someone he had met whilst seeing her at the same time.
Sarah adores Mark though.
I met Mark through Sarah.
Sarah does not in fact now that I am seeing Mark. It would most probably end our friendship. It is the single most awful thing I have ever done, to betray one of the closest friends that I have.
It's just that I have rather strong feelings for him and I have not had any male attention for over 3 years and he is just so amazing.
I really wanted to tell her at the beginning, but you never know how things will pan out so I thought that there was no point as he couldn't possibly be interested in me.
Then I kept on putting it off. Three months have passed now and I feel that it's far too late to tell her. I should've told her ages ago, now it would just be unforgivable - what to do?
Although I don't think that I'm actually seeing him, how do you know when you're seeing someone? It was so much easier when you were at school and you would get asked out, and then you were automatically going out together - how do you know these days?
In my heart, I don't think he's that interested, which is good, I don't think another relationship would be healthy for me at this point.

Mike is gorgeous though. He has piercing blue eyes and curly hair, I've a slight penchant for curly hair, I've dated at least four men with curls - how odd.
My mother always said not to go for a handsome man as he belongs to the world and not you - which is nonsense!
A - you don't own anyone, not your children, not your lovers - no-one is your possesion, they are whom you shape your life around not trophies to exhibited, and B, just because you're attractive does not necessarily mean that you are a compulsive cheater!

I fear that I may be turning into my mother! I can't bear the thought!
She was a single mother too and absolutely hated children, I sometimes wonder why she bothered to have me.
She was very embittered, I'd get at least 2 hidings a day. We had terrible fights, at the time I though it was just typical teenage angst, but in retrospect it was just her disposition - but that is another story altogether.
I never knew my father as she left him when I was 6 months old and cut all contact with him.
That is partly the reason why I can't return home to South Africa to be with my family as I refuse to do the same to Josh, I wont have him resent me for not knowing his father.
As much as it hurts me, I want him to know his father, I can't punish him for what Mike has done to me.

On that note, I have just recieved a text from Mike!
What is his problem? Why can't he just leave me alone?
He now wants to come round for a shag? What does he think I am? I refused to be used like this! How dare he?
I'm closing my curtains and ignoring the doorbell! Goodnight and good riddance!

Where to start?
I'm a 26 year-old single mother of an insulin dependant 3 year old boy - lets call him Joshua.
My ex-husband is a useless, inept excuse for a human being and I wish I could punch him in the face repeatedly until I broke his nose.

Anyway......
we shall call him Mike, he is 35, he still lives with his parents, he likes to think that he's an intellectual academic type where in truth he is just a posturing fool who lives in world where only he - and his foolish posturing friends exist.

Last night I sent him an email to ask if he minded coming over this evening so we could chat about his one-evening-every-fortnight that he is supposed to look after Joshua - where in truth it is his mother who looks after our son as he is out each weekend drinking until dawn like an pre-pubescent adolescent.
But, surprise surprise - he can't, instead he sends me an abusive email - very mature.
I send him one back, just because he riled me so and so it continues - arrrrrr!

The problem is thus - he has not looked after Joshua in over a year, he cannot feed him, look after him on his own or even administer insulin.
Actually, correction - it is not because he can't, but rather because he chooses not to.
The situation is this, his mother looks after Joshua 3 afternoons a week when I work and has him for one night every several weeks.
I have not had a night off in over a month now, not that I'm complaining as I realise that this is what one does when one has kids, but back at the ranch, Mike is pissing it up every weekend and has now, all of a sardine, met someone - God help her! That was the real reason he didn't look after Joshua on Friday night - he was getting a shag! Well lucky him! This is only because I've met someone now!

I tell you!
It all started on Saturday evening.
He came round as he does, raids my fridge - as he does, spends an hour on facebook on my laptop - and then buggers off back to his parents. This is his quality time spent with Josh!
Anyhoo, he started questioning me about an empty bottle of wine in the kitchen, he asked if Sarah - my best friend had been over and I said no.
Leave it 20 minutes.....
He then asked who came over (knowing damn well) and I said a friend...
What friend...?
Just a friend...
Who...?
Just a friend...(god!)
Tell me....
...-.....
You might as well tell me
Mark
Oh - I'm seeing someone too
(Oh for God's sake!!!!!! I'm not seeing Mark and this is not a bloody competition.)
In truth, we've been having casual sex for several months and it has become even more casual now as I can't get any time away from this blasted house as I am always looking after Josh.
Who doesn't sleep.
It's very relaxing trying to seduce someone when there's a voice yelling from upstairs every 1o minutes.
When I say seduce, I mean plough with wine - how on earth do you seduce someone?
Anyway, he told me her name - which I can't remember as I was in a state of shock and that he had spent all morning and evening with her - as though I give a shit?
Lucky her, he took her out for breakfast! In all the 3 years we were married he not ONCE took me out for a meal, there was always some excuse. It's only in hindsight that I realise how much he must've hated me.

I cried myself to sleep - such a fool!
And then...............midnight, I get a bloody text from him asking for a shag and a spanking!
What the hell!!!!!
I thought he was seeing someone!
God!
Me being such a fool for him called him back as I had no credit - thankfully he didn't answer as he had passed out apparently, and that was that.

But I have now made my mind up to not sleep with him ever again - not that I'd want to as he's rubbish in bed and very very selfish - but rather because I need to get over him.
I wish I could see Mark but he's away for 2 weeks, so miserable.
I'm going to see a solicitor this week about custody of Josh, I'm sick of him doing nothing, he is just pissing me off too much.